You haven't lit a campfire since 2014, but you definitely need high-voltage plasma beams for a single scented candle. You are buying this exclusively to look like a Bond villain.

Moving your arms in a public swimming pool is for peasants who haven't embraced motorized laziness. You'll definitely crash this into the deep-end ladder.

Nothing screams 'unhinged urban survivalist' quite like sawing through a cardboard Amazon box with a credit card. You'll definitely buy it to look cool in front of your houseplants.

You are a grown adult who is seriously considering a motorized bumper boat for local drainage ponds. The geese will laugh as they sink you.

You'll tell yourself you're buying this cyber-dolphin to 'audit your home network security,' and then exclusively use it to mute the Buffalo Wild Wings TV and clone your own apartment key fob.

Toss this shiny space blanket into your bugout bag and forget it exists until societal collapse finally arrives. You'll look like a baked potato while hiding from the apocalypse, but hey, at least you're waterproof.

Sure, solar flares and rogue nukes are scary, but mostly you just want a military-grade excuse to ignore your family's group chats. Preppers love it.

Prepare for the absolute collapse of modern civilization by hoarding a ridiculously massive can of freeze-dried tuna that will outlive cockroaches. You will eat it in 2034 alone in your basement while crying over how much you spent.

Carry an aerospace-grade titanium splinter remover on your keychain because you never know when barbecue ribs or SIM cards will attack. You'll mostly just use it to open Amazon boxes of more useless junk.

Spying on Mrs. Gable with a terrifying robotic pigeon is a fantastic way to earn a restraining order. It's wildly unethical, completely unhinged, and totally in your cart.

Harness the power of the blazing sun to charge a battery pack while you sit entirely indoors. Essential for the apocalypse you fantasize about.

Look like an amateur bomb squad technician while mowing the lawn in 90-degree heat. The neighbors will definitely stop waving back.

Channel your inner action hero until you sneeze too hard in a drive-thru and accidentally launch a steel projectile into your own wrist. You'll still wear it to impress people in the grocery store parking lot.

Dad is totally unequipped for the apocalypse, but at least he can crank a radio while the house burns down. Pure suburban prepper fantasy.

Prepare for the apocalypse by hoarding 180 servings of powdery orange sadness in your basement. You'll eat it all in two weeks while binge-watching trash TV.

Fold your body into a bizarre ergonomic hammock so you can actually get forty winks in economy class. You'll look like a hostage in transit, but at least you won't drool on the stranger next to you.

Because nothing screams 'comforting survival' quite like opening a metallic cylinder of stale pre-sliced carbs during the apocalypse. You will definitely panic-eat the whole can while hiding from your neighbors on day one.

Channel your inner medieval warlord while aggressively slicing open individually wrapped string cheese in your pajamas. You'll tell guests it's for 'tactical readiness' when it's really just snack time.

Zap the microbial nightmares right out of questionable puddle water so you don't shit your pants in the woods. You bought it for rugged wilderness camping, but you'll probably just use it to make tap water feel high-tech.

Sign your quarterly tax returns and drop an aggressive mugger with the exact same desk accessory. Office supplies have finally matched your inner workplace rage.

Transform your Defender into an adventure-ready camper with a pop-up sleeping area and memory foam mattress. It costs more than a decent car, but sleeping in a parking lot has never been cozier.

Pretend you love roughing it while sleeping in a luxury glass box that rolls your bed right out onto the deck. You'll buy this to escape modern society, only to complain about the lack of high-speed Wi-Fi.

Type furiously on a floppy rubber mat that feels like typing on a wet loaf of sandwich bread. You'll use it twice, spill coffee on it, and immediately throw it into the junk drawer.

Skimming across the lake at 25mph in a single-seat watercraft guarantees local geese will mock your midlife crisis. You'll buy it anyway just to annoy the fishermen.

Channel your inner superhero while dramatically fleeing a blazing inferno with this heat-resistant fiberglass blanket. It's an absurdly practical piece of survival gear that makes you look like a toasted marshmallow.

Engage in maximum suburban warfare by pedal-powering an armed trike straight into neighbor yards. You are a grown adult, yet you are actively considering financing a foam-dart vehicle.

Generate your own apartment electricity so you can brag to your landlord while still paying $1,800 in rent. It costs way more than the power it saves, but looking eco-friendly on your tiny balcony is priceless.

Turn your backyard patio into a miniature Star Wars battleground against blood-sucking insects. Nothing says relaxing summer evening quite like high-powered blue lasers vaporizing bugs next to your grill.

Your landlord strictly prohibited pets, but apparently a 3.5-foot inflatable green ghoul is legally a grey area. Prepare for immediate eviction.

Because hauling your own cooler three feet through sand is basically a human rights violation. You will use this exact twice before letting it rust in the garage while you carry beers manually.

Because sniping flies in your kitchen with literal tactical laser precision is the only mid-life crisis you can afford. Your spouse will roll their eyes, but you're 100% going to buy it to wage war on a single housefly.

Transform your suburban pathway into a tacky alien landing strip using resin pebbles that absorb sunlight. You definitely don't need glowing dirt, but you'll impulse-buy them to spite your HOA president.