Skip the down payment on a modest starter home to buy a titanium deathtrap that you will exclusively ride to the local bakery. You'll look breathtaking sliding across the asphalt at terminal velocity.

You could put a down payment on a sensible suburban townhouse, or you could launch a 260-horsepower mechanical Great White Shark 18 feet out of the local reservoir to traumatize paddleboarders.

For nine and a half million dollars, you too can realize that breathtaking nature views don't fix your inner emptiness. Still adding it to cart, though.

Live completely off-grid in a stealth reflective box that local wildlife will constantly fly face-first into. You can finally achieve total seclusion right up until a disoriented deer crashes through your living room.

You're basically a kitchen sniper hunting houseflies with high-velocity dining table seasonings. Your spouse will hate finding sodium piles everywhere, but you're adding it to cart anyway.

Wrap yourself in flannel so you can finally achieve your lifelong dream of becoming a giant human snack. You'll buy it because dignity was lost years ago and burritos are life.

An automated wooden box that literally tells you to bug off is the best roommate you'll ever have. You'll buy three of them just to feel acknowledged.

Tricking your mother-in-law into petting a sequined pillow that reveals Nic Cage's face is pure evil. You'll add to cart immediately because art is priceless.

Nothing screams stable professional like violently punching a giant foam pillow because Excel crashed. You'll buy it to cope with rage, but mostly just to dramatically slam it during Zoom calls.

Expressing your daily existential dread via an electronic farm animal is cheaper than actual therapy. HR won't appreciate it, but your mute button will become your best friend.

Dandelions are no match for 3,400 degrees of pure suburban rage that will definitely terrify your HOA. You're going to burn your fence down by Friday, but hey, zero weeds.

Sashimi combat is officially back, baby, right there in the middle of a crowded restaurant. Your date will definitely text their therapist about your plastic laser chopsticks.

Surrender your dignity and sleep in a giant dog nest because your golden retriever has better interior design choices than you. You'll justify it as 'back support' until friends stage an intervention.

Your couch already smells like regret, so why not add spilled IPA to the upholstery? You'll buy this just to watch your cat ignore it and knock your beer over anyway.

Walk around your apartment looking like a deranged carb-loaded cartoon character in orthopedic bread. You're buying these because your dignity left the chat years ago.

Risk your adult spine in a toddler-sized McLaren drifting cart because your midlife crisis hit early. Your neighbors will love watching you fishtail into a recycling bin.

Because public digestive betrayal happens to the best of us, now you can swap trousers dignity-free from your driver's seat. Your Uber passengers will never know.

Cutting a frozen pepperoni pizza with a tiny bicycle is peak comedy until grease gets in the spokes. You're buying it because adulthood is a joke.

Store six sad energy drinks four inches from your mouse pad to avoid human contact like a true hermit. Your coworkers will judge your lifestyle, but your lukewarm Diet Coke won't.

You haven't lit a campfire since 2014, but you definitely need high-voltage plasma beams for a single scented candle. You are buying this exclusively to look like a Bond villain.

Imbedding a real bullet in a whiskey glass screams action hero until you're sobbing over cheap box wine at 2 AM. You'll buy it because drinking alone needs a tactical aesthetic boost.

Moving your arms in a public swimming pool is for peasants who haven't embraced motorized laziness. You'll definitely crash this into the deep-end ladder.

Drop two grand on a human hamster wheel because your guilt over not going to the gym needed a financial receipt. You'll use it to hold laundry by Tuesday.

Make soggy 2 AM ballpark franks in a dedicated appliance that takes up prime counter space. You'll use it twice, regret the heartburn, and leave it to haunt your children.

Bake structural carbohydrates into a bowl shape because eating out of a normal plate is for sober quitters. You'll use it twice before it joins the air fryer in the appliance graveyard.

Nothing screams 'I have completely surrendered to existential dread' quite like watching a metal ball drag lines in sand for six hours. You’ll buy it.

Nothing says I'm desperately avoiding therapy like trapping cheap bourbon in a smoke dome. Fire hazard included at no extra charge.

Carpal tunnel has never looked so adorable on your desk. You will play Pac-Man for precisely three minutes before it becomes a very expensive paperweight.

Skip the vet bills and housebreaking by purchasing a high-tech metal mutt that randomly malfunctions. You'll buy it because you desperately want to pretend you live in a futuristic dystopia.

Nothing screams 'unhinged urban survivalist' quite like sawing through a cardboard Amazon box with a credit card. You'll definitely buy it to look cool in front of your houseplants.

Nothing screams 'stable mental health' quite like chilling your cheap bourbon with metal bullets. You'll definitely use these to impress guests who will quietly call Uber.

Suck up three weeks of Cheeto dust with a tiny plastic saucer that sounds like an angry mosquito. You are buying this purely to pretend your cubicle is a NASA command center.